30. Trees Are a Threat

The mountain town of Canton is at an elevation of 6,000 feet. It is surrounded by thick underbrush and pine trees. Because of six years of drought, these plants are a major fire hazard. Thousands of trees and tons of underbrush are going to be removed over the next five years at a minimum cost of $3 million. The brush will be removed first, then the trees will be toppled and removed. A cleared nonflammable area will then safely surround the town of 4,000.

Residents look forward to the work, because it will help their town survive a future inferno. “But there are two problems,” said one resident. “All the extra trucks are going to make traffic pretty bad. Once the area is cleared, we have to make sure dirt bikers don’t try to make the cleared area their personal playground.”

A recent fire burned 4,000 acres and destroyed 11 homes in nearby Hamilton. The fire was raging toward Canton, but a sudden rainstorm put it out. Residents know that they won’t get lucky twice, so they are looking forward to this massive clearing operation.

Ninety percent of the cutting and clearing will be paid with federal funds. Unfortunately, if the trees are on private property, they must be paid for by the residents themselves. Prices can range as high as $1,000 to cut and remove one tree. Officials say that residents can apply for state and federal loans if necessary.

“Well, what good does that do me?” asked Thelma, a 65-year-old widow. “I’m living on social security. I’ve got four trees on my property. The government’s not going to loan me money when they know there’s no way I can pay it back. So what am I supposed to do? These planners with all their big ideas ought to think of the little people.”

29. Rentals at the Oceanside Community

The oceanside community of Lozano Beach is debating whether to allow homeowners to rent out their homes on a weekly basis during the summer. Such rentals produce high incomes for the owners and the city, which gets part of this income through a 15-percent surcharge to the owner. “This can be a boon to our coffers,” said Rick Brown, city manager. “In the summer, homeowners can bring in $2,000 a week or more.”

However, these rentals can also be a can of worms. The city stopped allowing weekly rentals 10 years ago because of the problems they were generating. Two, three, or even four families would pile into a two- or three-bedroom house. Then they would park their cars on the lawn and produce huge amounts of trash. Sometimes they would toss this trash on the streets and sidewalks.

Noise would be another problem. Some people would party late and loud every night. This abuse created a lot of friction with neighbors and resulted in extra work for city maintenance crews and for police, who had to respond almost hourly to residents’ complaints about noise, music, trash, and parking problems. But now, the city’s budget problems are making it reconsider its ban.

City officials will hold a community meeting next week to listen to the pros and cons. One official has already suggested a proposal. He thinks that a fine might work. If the city has to respond to complaints, the homeowner will be charged $200 per response. Such a fine might cause the homeowner to be careful to rent only to people that he is sure will be considerate of the neighbors. The city would still get 15 percent of the rental fee, even if the homeowner’s rent were totally offset by fines. The city would post inconsiderate renters’ names on the city website so that other homeowners would know about them.

Some officials think the ban should be continued because these visitors to the community have already proven that they have no consideration for others. Their money isn’t worth the headaches they cause.

28. Cloning Pets

A company in Phoenix, Arizona, says that it can now clone your cat. “Actually,” said Felix Lee, President of Twice Is Nice, Inc., “you don’t even have to wait until your beloved cat dies. We already have clients whose clone lives with its donor.”

The price is steep. A clone of your cat will cost $50,000. First, your veterinarian must do a biopsy of your cat. This is sent to TwIN, Inc., where it is cultured to grow fresh new cells. These new cells are stored in liquid nitrogen until you notify TwIN, Inc., that you are ready for the clone. At this time, you pay half the amount ($25,000). A cultured cell is implanted into a female cat that is in estrus, and if all goes well, a kitten is born about 60 days later. The new kitten is weaned in about eight weeks. TwIN, Inc. delivers the kitten to you after it receives the remaining $25,000.

“We are a growing company,” said Lee. “Our facility can handle about a dozen births a year now, but our goal is to produce about 50 kittens and 50 puppies a year.” The company is currently experimenting with stray dogs. Some canine clones seem to be perfect, but some have been bizarre. Nevertheless, Lee believes that they will be successfully cloning dogs in about a year.

27. Pulling Out Nine Tons of Trash

A work crew consisting of 150 volunteers worked for eight hours in a light drizzle on Saturday to clean Carson Creek of almost nine tons of debris. “A job well done,” smiled Alan Specter, the director of the event. “We’re scheduled to come back here one more time, three years from now. Of course, we hope that there won’t be nine tons of garbage next time.”

The garbage came in all shapes, sizes, and colors: cans, bottles, bicycles, car tires, auto batteries, sofas, furniture, clothing, shopping carts, bowling balls, plastic bags, dolls, baby carriages, TV antennas, and portable radios. There was even a golf bag with a full set of golf clubs.

Much of the backbreaking work was done by two community groups—the Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts, and two environmental groups—Save the Bay and Watch the Whales. Concerned retirees and volunteers from police and fire departments assisted. Everyone was issued boots, gloves, and rain gear. The work occurred along a two-mile stretch of streambed. The debris was hauled roadside, where trucks lined up to take the trash to the landfill. More than 500 big yellow trash bags were filled.

No one found anything of great value, although a five-year-old boy found an earring that he thought might be worth a million dollars because it was so shiny. He said he would sell it. Then he would donate half of the proceeds to Watch the Whales, and use the other half to buy a triple-scoop ice cream cone every day for the rest of his life.

26. Happy and Unhappy Renters

Samantha, like many renters, is tired of renting. One reason is that her annual rent goes up like clockwork. Every year her landlord raises the rent five percent. Another reason is her neighbors. “New neighbors always seem to be more inconsiderate than the ones who moved out,” she said. “My first neighbor was a door-slammer; I always knew when he came home or left home. After he moved out, a saxophonist moved in. A saxophonist! He practiced two hours a day. On Saturday his friends would come over and I’d get to listen to a whole band. I called the police, but they said saxophone playing is permitted in apartments for up to four hours a day, because saxophone playing is job-related. They told me I was lucky that the guy was only playing two hours a day!”

There are many unhappy renters, but there are also happy renters. “I’ve been lucky my whole life,” said Howard, a middle-aged man. “My neighbors couldn’t have been any better if I had picked them myself. One neighbor was a chef. He’d bring me the best leftovers in the world. Another neighbor was a pianist. She played the most delightful music. Another neighbor was a mechanic who did my tune-ups and changed the oil in my car. My latest neighbor is a birder; we go birding every weekend with our binoculars.”

Different persons have different attitudes. Samantha saw the saxophone player as irritating, yet Howard saw the piano player as delightful. Millions of people would be happy just to have a roof over their head. Yet there are millions who would complain that their roof is the wrong color.

25. Crazy Housing Prices

Homebuyers nationwide are watching housing prices go up, up, and up. “How high can they go?” is the question on everyone’s lips. “As long as interest rates stay around 5 percent, there’s no telling,” remarked one realtor in Santa Monica, California.

“It’s crazy,” said Tim, who is looking for a house near the beach. “In 1993, I bought my first place, a two-bedroom condominium in Venice, for $70,000. My friends thought then that I was overpaying. Five years later, I had to move. I sold it for $230,000, which was a nice profit. Last year, while visiting friends here, I saw in the local paper that the exact same condo was for sale for $510,000!”

It is a seller’s market. Homebuyers feel like they have to offer at least 10 percent more than the asking price. Donna, a new owner of a one-bedroom condo in Venice Beach, said, “That’s what I did. I told the owner that whatever anyone offers you, I’ll give you $20,000 more, under the table, so you don’t have to pay your realtor any of it. I was tired of looking.”

Tim says he hopes he doesn’t get that desperate. “Whether you decide to buy or decide not to buy, you still feel like you made the wrong decision. If you buy, you feel like you overpaid. If you don’t buy, you want to kick yourself for passing up a great opportunity.”

Everyone says the bubble has to burst sometime, but everyone hopes it will burst the day after they sell their house. Even government officials have no idea what the future will bring. “All we can say is that, inevitably, these things go in cycles,” said the state director of housing. “What goes up must come down. But, as we all know, housing prices always stay up a little higher than they go down. So you can’t lose over the long run. Twenty years down the road, your house is always worth more than you paid for it.”

24. A Festival of Books

People joke that no one in Los Angeles reads; everyone watches TV, rents videos, or goes to the movies. The most popular reading material is comic books, movie magazines, and TV guides. City libraries have only 10 percent of the traffic that car washes have. But how do you explain this? An annual book festival in west Los Angeles is “sold out” year after year. People wait half an hour for a parking space to become available.

This outdoor festival, sponsored by a newspaper, occurs every April for one weekend. This year’s attendance was estimated at 70,000 on Saturday and 75,000 on Sunday. The festival featured 280 exhibitors. There were about 90 talks given by authors, with an audience question-and-answer period following each talk. Autograph seekers sought out more than 150 authors. A food court sold all kinds of popular and ethnic foods, from American hamburgers to Hawaiian shave ice drinks. Except for a $7 parking fee, the festival was free. Even so, some people avoided the food court prices by sneaking in their own sandwiches and drinks.

People came from all over California. One couple drove down from San Francisco. “This is our sixth year here now. We love it,” said the husband. “It’s just fantastic to be in the great outdoors, to be among so many books and authors, and to get some very good deals, too.”

The idea for the festival occurred years ago, but nobody knew if it would succeed. Although book festivals were already popular in other US cities, would Los Angeles residents embrace one? “Angelenos are very unpredictable,” said one of the festival founders.

23. Gasoline Prices Hit Record High

Residents of southern California are trying to get used to skyrocketing prices for gasoline. The average price for 87 octane economy gas is $2.22, almost 30 percent higher today than it was 12 months ago. The lowest gas price in the Southland right now is $2.09 a gallon at the Seashell station in Arcadia. The station manager, Everett, said the reason his gas is cheaper than elsewhere is that he bought a lot of gas two years ago at reduced prices, so he is passing his savings on to his customers.

The lines at the Seashell station often run 10 to 20 vehicles long. The police have been here several times because cars block traffic on Horsetrail Drive. Everett said, “I tell people in line that the Barco station a block away is only $2.14, but they’d rather wait and save 5 cents. It’s OK with me, of course. I don’t mind making money.”

A young man pumping gas said he had waited in line for 20 minutes. When asked why he didn’t go a block away where there were no lines, he said, “Every penny counts. When I bought this ’99 Bummer, gas was only $1 a gallon, which was pretty cheap. So, even though I only get eight miles per gallon, I wasn’t paying that much to fill my tank. But today’s prices are killing me. I drive to work, and I drive to the grocery store. That’s it. I used to drive around the neighborhood just to show off my wheels, but I can’t do that any more.”

22. Mayor Denies Hit-and-Run Charge

The mayor of Sacrapinto, J.K. Choi, 35, was charged with hit-and-run driving last night by the town sheriff. A freshly killed calf was discovered lying in the middle of Arlington Drive at about 10:00 p.m. A witness, 20-year-old Emily Parker, said she saw the car hit the calf and keep going. She didn’t see the driver but she did recognize the hood ornament on the car—a pair of bull horns.

“Oh, yes,” Emily said, “I know that’s the mayor’s car. It’s the only car in town with bull horns on the hood.” Asked how she could see the bull horns at night, she replied, “Oh, didn’t you know? A couple of months ago the mayor got his horns neonized, so they have this soft purple glow at night. They’re really cool-looking.”

The sheriff drove over to the mayor’s house, which is about five miles from city hall, and found the mayor washing his 1972 Kadillac. He asked why the mayor was washing his car so late at night. “Because that’s when there’s no hot sun that causes the car to dry so fast that you have sun streaks. Don’t you know anything, sheriff?”

The sheriff pointed out that one of the horns was broken at the tip. “When did that happen?” he asked. “When did what happen?” Choi asked. “Oh, good grief! I never even noticed that! Do you know how expensive these horns are? They don’t grow on trees, you know. I wonder if I can find the missing piece and superglue it back on.”

The sheriff then showed the mayor the tip of a bull horn. “Do you think this is the missing piece?” The mayor was astounded. He looked at it, turned it over in his hands, and then placed it on the horn, where it fit perfectly. “That’s fantastic, sheriff! Thank you so much! Where did you find it?”

“Where did I find it? It was next to Farmer Brown’s calf that you killed back there about an hour ago.” The mayor’s mouth dropped open. “Calf! What calf? What are you talking about? I had no idea. I thought I hit a speed bump. What was his calf doing out in the middle of the road in the middle of the night?

“We’ll settle this in court. I’m an innocent man. By the way, get that calf over to Lester’s butcher shop right now. We’ll have us a big barbecue tomorrow at city hall. And don’t forget to invite Farmer Brown. I know he’ll forgive me after he tastes Lester’s world-famous rib eye.”

21. City Welcomes New Store and Its Owners

The city of Armada opened its arms to a new business on Huntington Drive at First Street. The store, called Turtle Dove, is a pet shop specializing in two kinds of animals. The owners are two brothers, Bill and Bob Pidgin. They moved here from the northern California town of Santa Rosa, where they owned an ant farm store called Antimal House. That store was such a success that after five years they sold it for a big profit.

They took it easy for a couple of years, traveling throughout the states. “We visited almost every zoo in the country, partly because we love animals and partly because we were looking for inspiration for our next business,” said Bill. They finally decided on turtles and doves. “They’re easy to feed and care for, and both animals live a long time,” said Bob.

The store will be open from 9:00 a.m. to 9:00 p.m. Wednesdays through Saturdays. “We think those are hours that our customers will find very convenient. Plus, the three days off gives us a chance to go into the woods and find more critters. We never buy our animals; we always try to collect them from the wild. That way we can pass on huge savings to our customers. And, of course, by removing these animals from their natural habitat, we protect them from being devoured by their natural enemies. So our customers are happy, our animals are happy, and we’re happy. It’s a win-win for all of us.”

20. A Murder-Suicide

A man and a woman died in an apparent murder-suicide last night in Altadena. The man was 74-year-old Dominic Vittorio. The woman was his 70-year-old wife, Victoria. The couple had been married for 50 years. In fact, their 50th anniversary occurred just a month ago, according to their next-door neighbor, Mrs. Allen. The couple was childless and had no close friends. Mr. Vittorio was a retired carpenter who had emphysema and was blind in one eye because of a cataract. His wife was a diabetic who had already had one foot amputated because of complications from the disease. Her eyesight was almost completely gone.

“They were such a nice couple,” said Mrs. Allen. “I’ve lived next to them for the last 20 years or so. I’m widowed, and Dom always used to help me with things like changing light bulbs and fixing appliances. They had no kids, but they were always friendly to the neighborhood kids. Every Halloween they handed out tons of candy and fresh fruit. But about eight years ago Vicky came down with diabetes, and things just haven’t been the same for her or Dom. They used to be so friendly and full of life, and then they just seemed to get quieter and quieter.

“She used to come over to my place once or twice a week, and we would talk about all kinds of things and have the nicest time. But that happened less and less as she got sicker. So I would go over to her house about once a week and we would talk. But the conversations steadily got shorter, and she seemed to lose interest in listening and in talking. She didn’t say it, but you could tell she was in a lot of pain.”

Mrs. Allen said she hadn’t even talked to either of the Vittorios in almost a year. They never came out. Even food was delivered to them by a local agency. She said she heard two gunshots last night—“It scared me half to death!” She immediately called the police. “Such a sad ending for such nice people,” she said. “Together in sickness, but alone in the world.”

19. Books Don’t Grow on Trees

A local community college professor decided to fight back. “The price of books for our students is just getting higher and higher and, combined with the rising cost of tuition, it’s killing these kids,” said Peter Jason, Ph.D. “Remember, students are one of the poorest groups of people in America. Almost half of them have at least one part-time job. In fact, one of my students has three jobs. She is a part-time sales clerk at a clothing store three days a week, then works three evenings a week as a pizza cook, and on weekends she does manicures at a beauty salon. And she still manages to have a high GPA and go to school full-time.”

Textbook prices are traditionally high. Adding to that problem, many college instructors change textbooks year after year; they either upgrade to a new edition or switch to an entirely different textbook. This further hurts students because if an instructor no longer uses a particular textbook, that book has no resale value.

Dr. Jason decided to make life a little easier and a lot cheaper for his students by writing his own book on public speaking. “Many books have an increased price because of bells and whistles: CD-ROMs, lots of color photographs, and lots of graphics. I talked to my students, and many of them, like me, prefer to keep things simple. So, during a sabbatical a few years ago, I wrote my own textbook. I made sure that it wasn’t long-winded. I called it Successful Public Speaking: How To Be Brief, Concise, and to the Point.

“Compared to most other public speaking primers, mine is half the number of pages, and one-third the price. That is, $30 instead of $90. Plus, it is published in a three-ring binder format. So, when I wrote a second edition last year, students only had to buy the 35 new pages and delete 35 of the original pages. For only $7.00, they had upgraded to the new edition. I’ve had great feedback from my students about this loose-leaf concept. Maybe the word will get out, and more writers and publishers will try it.”

18. $100 Deposit

The well-dressed, gray-haired woman was crying her eyes out. She had just been fined $100 by the judge because a month ago her dog made a mess on the front lawn of the courthouse.

“I just got out of the cab and I leashed Poopsie to the light pole. After I paid the fare and gave the driver a dollar tip, I turned around and saw that Poopsie had made a mess. I didn’t have any plastic bags, so I said, ‘Well, Poopsie, let’s go home. There’s nothing I can do about this now.’

“We were just starting home when I heard this voice out of nowhere: ‘Excuse me, ma’am. Is that your dog?’ I turned around. It was an officer of the law. Well, of course, it was my dog. ‘That dog just made an illegal deposit on the courthouse lawn. As its owner, it’s your responsibility to dispose of that deposit. See the sign over there? I’m going to have to write you a citation.’

“I asked him what sign he was talking about. He pointed all the way down to the end of the block. One little sign, a block away! How could anyone see that? I couldn’t see that sign with my best opera glasses. The officer said that I could fight the ticket. He said the judge was a nice old man who owned four dogs. So I said, ‘OK, thank you, I’ll fight the ticket.’

“So when I went to court, I dressed Poopsie up in his prettiest ribbons and made extra sure he did his business first. We were both so excited. I just knew the judge and Poopsie would hit it off.

“But do you know what happened when we got inside? They had a different judge, a judge who is allergic to dogs, and he immediately started sniffling, coughing, sneezing, and looking around. And then he yelled at me to get the dog out of the courtroom. He fined me $100 on the way out without even giving me a chance to talk about Poopsie’s chronic dyspepsia. It was terrible! I’m still upset.”

17. Hotel Says Goodbye to Clean Couple

Theodore, the manager of the Paradise Hotel, told a middle-aged couple that they would have to leave the hotel after just one night. The couple, visiting from Texas, had booked a room for eight nights.

“They wanted a sterile environment,” Theodore said. “They should have rented a room in a hospital, maybe an operating room. This hotel is clean, but it isn’t that clean.”

Theodore said that, on the very first day, the couple brought all the sheets, pillowcases, and bedspreads down to the main lobby and just dropped them next to the front desk. They stood there next to this pile of bedding while other guests looked, pointed, and murmured. The hotel got three cancellations within the hour from people who witnessed this strange event.

When Theodore asked the couple what the problem was, they said that their bedding was filthy and they wanted it replaced. The couple could not identify any specific “filth” on the bedding. The wife just said, “We’re paying good money to stay here. How dare you doubt us? We know the filth is there. That’s all the proof you need.” Theodore called room service, and the bedding was replaced immediately.

Early the next evening, however, the couple marched to the front desk again and demanded seven cans of spray disinfectant. “We need a can for each night. We have to spray the phone, the TV, all the door handles, the toilet handle, the shower stall, the faucet, the sink, and any hotel staff entering our room.”

Worried about what their demands might be in the following days, Theodore politely suggested that a hotel more suitable for them was just around the corner. He then called ahead to reserve a “very clean” room, and gave them free transportation in the hotel limousine.

“They seemed surprised that I suggested a different hotel, but they liked the idea that I didn’t charge them for the second day, and they really liked the limousine service,” said Theodore.

16. Eggs and a Bunny

Easter Sunday was a cloudy but festive day in Memorial Park for about 100 kids from local orphanages. An Easter egg hunt started at 10 a.m. when a fire engine blasted its horn. Boys and girls, ranging in age from 2 to 6, dashed throughout the park, yelling and screaming, walking and running, and quite often, falling down. One little girl, Amanda, found her first egg less than a minute after the horn blew. Instead of putting it into her basket and continuing to search for more, she sat down. Then she spent the next 10 minutes examining it, unwrapping it, and eating it piece by piece. When she finished, she put the wrapper into her basket, wiped her hands on her white dress, and went to hunt for another egg.

Meanwhile Jeff, one of the older boys, filled his basket to overflowing. He asked one of the firemen to hold it for him, and then took off running for more candy eggs. As soon as he found some, he put them into the basket of the child closest to him. Two little toddlers both saw a candy egg at the same time, and they both bent over to pick it up. They banged heads, and both of them sat down bawling. A couple of volunteer nurses picked them up and told them that everything was going to be all right.

By 11 a.m., the search was over. Most of the kids were  studying their candy, exchanging it with others, or eating it. But then the fire engine horn blasted again, causing three-year-old Jenny to cry.   A fireman on a bullhorn told everyone to gather around, because a special guest had arrived.

Once everyone was settled, the Easter Bunny climbed down out of the fire engine. The bunny was 6’6” tall. Most of the kids cheered and ran toward him. Even Jenny stopped crying for a moment. She stared at the bunny and at all the kids running toward the bunny; then she started crying even harder. The Easter Bunny hugged the kids, and they hugged him. Then the Easter Bunny sat on a fire engine step, and one by one  the kids came up, sat on his lap, and got their pictures taken. After that, the older kids were allowed to explore the fire engine itself.

The festivities ended about 3 p.m., when the orphans climbed into the buses for the return trip home. Most of them  said they had a fun time. Six-year-old Sara asked, “Can we do this every Sunday?” And more than one boy asked, “Can I drive the fire engine next time?”

15. Theft Occurs Everywhere

An elderly woman told the police that, as she entered a restroom, she was jostled by a woman behind her. A few minutes later, as she was about to pay for a moustache remover at a nearby store, she discovered that her wallet was missing from her purse. Apparently the woman who had bumped into her had cleverly stolen her wallet. This type of theft is called pick-pocketing.

Perhaps an even more personal kind of theft is known as housebreaking, or burglary. After such an intrusion, the victims often report a feeling of violation. They seldom regain the comfort and security level they used to have in their home. They constantly feel like they are being watched; they feel that if they go out, the burglars will again come in. They feel uncomfortable when they are home, and they feel uncomfortable when they aren’t home.

Burglars get lucky or make their own luck. Sometimes homeowners forget to lock all their windows or doors. Sometimes burglars will break a window, cut through a screen door, or force open a side door.

Thieves have no shame. They will steal from anyone that they think is vulnerable. Of course, that means the elderly are their frequent victims. Some thieves are very clever; some are very lucky. All of them make an honest person’s life more difficult. It’s too bad that all of them can’t be caught and converted into honest people.

Imagine that: a world with no larceny, a world where you can park your bicycle unsecured on the sidewalk, or leave your purse unattended in your shopping cart. Is this only a dream? Some say that if you can dream about it, it can happen.

14. Water Under the Sink (Part Two)

Ed came home from his errands and put the groceries into the cupboard and the refrigerator. He grabbed a flathead screwdriver and a pair of pliers from his toolbox. In the kitchen, he got down on his hands and knees and turned on the flashlight. After a couple of minutes of looking, he decided what to do. He had never opened up a disposal before, but there is a first time for everything.

The cylindrical disposal was about 7 inches in diameter and had a horizontal seam dividing the top half from the bottom half. The halves were held together by three screws. Ed jiggled the bottom half of the disposal; it was loose because two of the three screws were corroded. Only one screw was still doing its duty. Ed unscrewed it.

The bottom half of the disposal was now lying on the cabinet floor. Ed thought for sure that it would be full of months-old food, but there was no food, only a hardened, torn, useless gasket. The next day Ed went to the hardware store to buy some screws and a new gasket. The employee told him that they did not carry those gaskets and suggested that he write to the manufacturer. Ed returned home. He created his own gasket by using gasket sealant that comes in a tube. He applied the sealant, screwed the two halves back together, and crossed his fingers.

The next day he turned on the water and switched on the disposal. When he saw the water pouring out of the seam, Ed knew one thing: it was time to buy a new disposal. The good thing was that new disposals started at $79. The bad thing was that it would have to be installed by a plumber. Plumber rates started at about $80 an hour. Ed decided that since the disposal used a lot of energy and the world needed to use less energy, from now on he would put his scraps into the kitchen garbage bag. He reminded himself to tell everyone at work tomorrow about how he was now helping to solve the world’s energy problems.

13. Water Under the Sink (Part One)

The 36-year-old bachelor ate his usual lunch at home. He had an apple, a ham sandwich with a sliced dill pickle, a bowl of chicken noodle soup with a couple of soda crackers, and a small candy bar, all washed down with an eight-ounce glass of milk.

After he finished breakfast, Ed put everything in the sink, poured a little dishwashing soap onto a Teflon pad, and scrubbed the soup bowl, the sandwich plate, and the milk glass. Then he switched on the garbage disposal to grind up the few bits of food that he had scraped off his plate. He left the kitchen to go brush his teeth. But he felt something wet on his bare foot. Sure enough, he looked down and saw some water on the kitchen carpet. “What is this?” he said aloud.

Opening the cabinet door under the sink, he saw no dripping water. He went to the closet and got a flashlight. When he shined the light into the cabinet under the sink, he saw drops of water on the sides of the dark blue steel cylinder. It looked like he had a leaky garbage disposal. To test his theory, he turned on the switch, and a stream of water flowed out of a seam onto the cabinet floor and then onto the kitchen carpet. Ed had a problem, but he didn’t have time to fix it now. He had to run some errands. He put some tape over the switch so he couldn’t accidentally turn the disposal on again.

12. Book Him

A man accused of failing to return more than 700 children’s books to five different libraries in the county was released from jail yesterday after a book publisher agreed to post his bond of $1,000. The publisher said, “There’s a story here. This is a man who loves books. He just can’t let go of them. He hasn’t stolen a single book. So what’s the crime? We think that Mr. Barush has a story to tell. We plan to publish his story.”

When asked why he didn’t return the books, Mr. Barush said, “Well, how could I? They became family to me. I was afraid to return them, because I knew that kids or dogs would get hold of these books and chew them up, throw them around, rip the pages, spill soda on them, get jam and jelly on them, and drown them in the toilet.”

He continued, “Books are people, too! They talk to you, they take care of you, and they enrich you with wisdom and humor and love. A book is my guest in my home. How could I kick it out? I repaired torn pages. I dusted them with a soft clean cloth. I turned their pages so they could breathe and get some fresh air.

“Every week I reorganized them on their shelves so they could meet new friends. My books were HAPPY books. You could tell just by looking at them. Now they’re all back in the library, on the lower shelves, on the floors, at the mercy of all those runny-nosed kids. I can hear them calling me! I need to rescue them. Excuse me. I have to go now.”

11. A Missing Cat

The owner of a missing cat is asking for help. “My baby has been missing for over a month now, and I want him back so badly,” said Mrs. Brown, a 56-year-old woman. Mrs. Brown lives by herself in a trailer park near Clovis. She said that Clyde, her 7-year-old cat, didn’t come home for dinner more than a month ago. The next morning he didn’t appear for breakfast either. After Clyde missed an extra-special lunch, she called the police.

When the policeman asked her to describe Clyde, she told him that Clyde had beautiful green eyes, had all his teeth but was missing half of his left ear, and was seven years old and completely white. She then told the officer that Clyde was about a foot high.

A bell went off. “Is Clyde your child or your pet?” the officer suspiciously asked. “Well, he’s my cat, of course,” Mrs. Brown replied. “Lady, you’re supposed to report missing PERSONS, not missing CATS,” said the irritated policeman. “Well, who can I report this to?” she asked. “You can’t. You have to ask around your neighborhood or put up flyers,” replied the officer.

Mrs. Brown figured that a billboard would work a lot better than an 8”x11” piece of paper on a telephone pole. There was an empty billboard at the end of her street just off the interstate highway. The billboard had a phone number on it. She called that number, and they told her they could blow up a picture of Clyde (from Mrs. Brown’s family album) and put it on the billboard for all to see.

“But how can people see it when they whiz by on the interstate?” she asked. “Oh, don’t worry, ma’am, they only whiz by between 2 a.m. and 5:30 a.m. The rest of the day, the interstate is so full of commuters that no one moves.” They told her it would cost only $3,000 a month. So she took most of the money out of her savings account and rented the billboard for a month.

The month has passed, but Clyde has not appeared. Because she has almost no money in savings, Mrs. Brown called the local newspaper to see if anyone could help her rent the billboard for just one more month. She is waiting but, so far, no one has stepped forward.

10. Goats Being Hired

Goats are being hired to do the work of men in a neighborhood just outside of San Diego. The fires that occurred in Hillborough four years ago destroyed thirty homes, most of which have been rebuilt. While contractors were rebuilding the homes, nature was regrowing the grasses, bushes, and shrubs. The area is now so overgrown in brush that it again poses a major fire hazard.

The city council asked for bids to remove the brush. The lowest bid they received was $50,000. And that was if the city provided breakfast and lunch for the work crews for the six weeks it would take to clear the overgrown area. The city countered, offering unlimited coffee (black only) and a doughnut a day for each crew member. When that offer was rejected, the city asked for help on its website.

A sheepherder in Montana and a goatherder in San Bernardino read about the city’s plight while surfing the web on their laptops. They both offered to do the job for $25,000. The council chose the goatherder because he lived closer. When told that the city dump was overflowing, the goatherder said, “No problem. My goats will eat everything in your dump. Except for the automobile engines, of course.” So, for another $5,000, the city killed two birds with one stone. If all goes well, they will invite the goatherder and his “family” back every three years. The goatherder said he will probably visit San Diego while his goats are in the dump. “I want to take one of those hang-glider rides. I just hope we don’t crash. My goats would miss me a lot,” he said.

9. Wanted To Know How His Pig’s Doing

Two mayors made a bet on the outcome of the Vegetable Bowl, the annual football game between their high school teams. If Arvada’s team lost, the mayor of Arvada would send the mayor of Boulder ten pounds of sliced potatoes, ready for frying. If Boulder’s team lost, the mayor would send ten pounds of sliced tomatoes, ready for sandwiches or salads.

Unfortunately, before the game started, the mayor of Boulder overheard the Arvada mayor tell someone: “They grow the worst tomatoes. If they lose and send us their tomatoes, I’m going to give them all to my pig.” The mayor of Boulder was upset to hear this, because he thought Boulder’s tomatoes were the best in the state. So he gave the matter some thought.

The following week, the big game was played. Boulder lost its star quarterback in the first half when he tripped over a cheerleader and sprained his big toe. The quarterback glumly watched the rest of the game from the bench. His team ended up losing, 38 to 12. The two mayors shook hands after the game, and the Arvada mayor said, “I’m really looking forward to those tomatoes.” As the Boulder team left the stadium, some unhappy fans threw ripe tomatoes at them.

A week later, the mayor of Arvada received a package of beautifully sliced tomatoes. He took them straight to his pig, which gobbled them right up. That night the mayor of Boulder asked his wife if Arvada’s mayor had called. “No,” she said. “Why?” “Because I mixed a pint of hot sauce into the tomatoes and I wanted to know how his pig’s doing.”

8. Food Fight Erupted in Prison

Inmates released two correctional officers they had held for a week in the tower at the state prison complex. The inmates captured the officers a week ago after the two officers tried to quell a food fight in the main dining room. The food fight erupted when the prisoners discovered that their candy ration had been cut in half. The candy is a popular bartering item. Inmates trade it for cigarettes, cigars, magazines, stationery, legal dictionaries, and other items. Prison officials said it was necessary to cut back on this luxury item in order to provide basic items, like soap and razors and toilet paper.

The prisoners went berserk over the reduction. They threw food, plates, and silverware at the doors, windows, and guards. Then they grabbed two guards and hauled them up to the tower. Once they had the tower door secured, they sent messages to prison officials demanding big bags of candy in exchange for sparing the guards’ lives. The warden complied with their demands. After a week of negotiations, the prisoners approved a deal which restored their candy ration, but in return the administration said they would have to reduce daily soap allotments by 75 percent.

7. Better To Be Unlucky

Sam, an unemployed piano tuner, said it was only the second thing he had ever won in his life. The first thing was an Afghan blanket at a church raffle when he was 25 years old. But this was much bigger: it was $120,000! He had won the Big Cube, a state lottery game. To win, a contestant must first guess which number a spinning cube will stop on. The cube has six numbers on it: 1X, 10X, 50X, 100X, 500X, and 1000X. If he is correct, the contestant must then guess which of two selected variables is going to be greater. So, just guessing which number appears on the cube does not guarantee that you will win any money.

Sam correctly guessed 1000X, but he still had to choose between two variables. One variable was the number of cars that would run the stop sign at Hill Street and Lake Avenue in six hours. The other variable was the number of times that a teenage boy would change TV channels in a three-hour period. This was a tough decision.

Finally, Sam flipped a coin. It came up heads, so Sam picked the teenager. He picked right. The stop sign was run only 76 times, but the teen clicked 120 times. Sixty-year-old Sam jumped for joy, for he had just won 1000 times 120, or $120,000. Sam dreamily left the lottery studio. Talking excitedly on his cell phone while crossing the street, he got hit by a little sports car.

Sam is slowly getting better. He was in the hospital for a month. His hospital bill was $110,000. And the insurance company for the little sports car’s owner sued Sam for $9,000 worth of repairs. Also, Sam still has to pay federal taxes on his winnings. Sam doesn’t play the state lottery any more. He says it’s better to be unlucky.

6. Freeway Chase Ends at Newsstand

A 24-year-old Los Angeles man was taken to a hospital and then to county jail after leading police on a one-hour freeway chase in a stolen SUV. The chase ended in downtown Los Angeles in front of the Spring Hotel. Most of the chase was uneventful, except for an empty bottle of whiskey that the driver threw at one police vehicle.

When the driver got into downtown, things started to happen. He ran over a fire hydrant. The water spewed out of the hydrant, causing a geyser that ruined all the books in several carts that a vendor had put outside to attract customers into his bookstore. The driver hurriedly turned west onto Grand Avenue and managed to bang into three parked cars on one side of that street and two cars on the other side. The driver also tried to run over a police officer, who was standing in the crosswalk ordering him to halt.

Turning north, the driver caused a bus to slam on its brakes to avoid a collision. The bus was empty, and the bus driver was uninjured. However, two police cars that were pursuing the SUV from different directions were not so lucky. One of them ran into the front of the bus, and the other into the back. Because the drivers had braked early enough, the damage to their cars was minor. Both officers resumed the chase.

They only went two blocks north to find that the SUV had come to a full stop because it had plowed into a newspaper stand. The driver, who was not wearing a seatbelt, was slumped behind the steering wheel. The proprietor of the newsstand was yelling at the driver and shaking a magazine at him. The police called for the ambulance. They charged the driver with failure to yield to a police officer and driving under the influence.

5. Jerry Decided To Buy a Gun

Jerry Baldwin was 30 years old. He was the manager of a pizza restaurant. He lived in an apartment about one mile north of the restaurant. He walked to and from work. When it was raining, he took the bus.

Jerry loved gangster movies. When a new one came out, he would go to the theater and watch the new movie three or four times. Then, when it went to video, Jerry would buy the video at Barney’s Video Store. Jerry had a home collection of over 1,000 gangster videos. Old ones, new ones, color, black and white, English, Spanish, Japanese--he loved them all. He could tell you the name of the movie, the director, the stars, and the plot. Did you say you liked “Pulp Fiction”? Well, Jerry would rattle off all the details of that movie. And then he would invite you to his place to watch it some time. He was a nice guy.

Jerry finally decided that he would like to own a gun, just like the gangsters. So he saved his money for a couple of years. Then he went to a gun store and bought a used .38 caliber revolver for $300. While there, he also bought a couple of boxes of ammunition. The following Saturday morning, he went to the gun club to practice with his new revolver. He was in the club for only 10 minutes when he accidentally dropped his pistol. The gun went off, and the bullet went into Jerry’s right knee.

Jerry now walks with a limp and a cane, just like some gangsters.

Driver Loses Mabel, Finds Jail

A fifteen-year-old boy was injured in a car accident when the minivan he was traveling in was hit by a pickup truck at an intersection. The boy was taken to a nearby hospital. The paramedics said that it appeared that the boy had nothing more serious than a broken left leg, but that internal injuries were always a possibility. The boy was conscious and alert. His mother, who was driving, was uninjured. She said that the truck appeared out of nowhere, and she thought she was going to die. She turned the steering wheel sharply to the left, and the truck hit her minivan on the passenger side.

The driver of the truck was a 50-year-old man who was unemployed and apparently had been drinking—police found 18 empty beer cans inside the truck. The man denied drinking, but he failed the police test for sobriety. When asked to touch his nose with his arms outstretched and eyes closed, he was unable to touch any part of his head.

The handcuffed man asked the police if they knew where “Mabel” was as he was put into the back seat of the police vehicle. The police asked him if Mabel was his wife. He said, “She’s my dog, my dog! Where’s my baby?” A dog with a collar, but no identification, was found minutes later, half a block away. The man was taken to the city jail and booked on suspicion of driving while intoxicated and on causing an accident.

3. A Life-Saving Cow

Six consecutive days of spring rain had created a raging river running by Nancy Brown’s farm. As she tried to herd her cows to higher ground, she slipped and hit her head on a fallen tree trunk. The fall knocked her out for a moment or two. When she came to, Lizzie, one of her oldest and favorite cows, was licking her face. The water was rising. Nancy got up and began walking slowly with Lizzie. The water was now waist high. Nancy’s pace got slower and slower. Finally, all she could do was to throw her arm around Lizzie’s neck and try to hang on. About 20 minutes later, Lizzie managed to successfully pull herself and Nancy out of the raging water and onto a bit of high land, a small island now in the middle of acres of white water.

Even though it was about noon, the sky was so dark and the rain and lightning so bad that it took rescuers another two hours to discover Nancy. A helicopter lowered a paramedic, who attached Nancy to a life-support hoist. They raised her into the helicopter and took her to the school gym, where the Red Cross had set up an emergency shelter.

When the flood subsided two days later, Nancy immediately went back to the “island.” Lizzie was gone. She was one of 19 cows that Nancy lost. “I owe my life to her,” said Nancy sobbingly.

2. Man Injured at Fast Food Place

A 79-year-old man was slightly injured on Saturday while waiting in his brand new convertible in a drive-through lane at Burger Prince restaurant. Herman Sherman of Northville suffered a mild burn about 9:00 p.m. when a young female employee accidentally spilled a cup of coffee into his lap. Sherman said the coffee was hot but not scalding.

He refused medical aid, saying the only problem was the stain on his slacks, but it would wash out. He was given a fresh refill. Before Sherman drove off, the restaurant manager, John Johnson, gave him two free gift certificates--one for an extra-large coffee and one for the restaurant's newest sandwich, the McRap.

The employee, who was a new hire, was let go later that evening. She was quite upset. She said she would probably sue Burger Prince for letting her go. She said it was the man's fault for ordering something that she might be able to spill.

Sara Went Shopping

Sara Smith, a Pasadena resident, went shopping. She is 30, and has lived at 3037 N. Foothill Street since 1992. Sara has been married to John for seven years. They have two children; Bob is five years old and Nancy is three. Sara owns a 1995 four-door blue Toyola. At 9 a.m., Sara got into her car and drove to Barget, a department store a mile away.

Barget was having a holiday sale. Sara bought a four-slice toaster for $29.95 plus tax. The regular price was $39.95. She paid by check. On her way home, Sara stopped at MilkPlus to buy a gallon of nonfat milk. The milk was $3.50. Sara got 50 cents back in change.

Sara arrived home at 10 a.m. John and the kids were still sleeping. She woke them up and then made a hot and nutritious breakfast for everyone.